Hello, modern Americans. Lupercus here, and I thought I’d talk a little bit about your so-called “St. Valentine’s Day.” Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, why on Earth would the ancient Roman god of fertility want to talk about Valentine’s Day? Well, I’ll tell you.

The history of Valentine’s Day actually goes far back into ancient Rome. It was not yet called Valentine’s Day, and the women of this time did not receive flowers. The names of the young Roman women were put into a lottery and the young Roman men drew their names. The woman would then be the assigned sexual partner of the man.

Clearly, my version of Valentine’s Day was far more interesting than yours.

The man and the selected woman were paired together for an entire year. Usually, this pairing ended up in marriage, proving that no system is perfect, but that’s what happens when you get humans involved, I always say.

Why, you ask, did the ancient Romans do this? They were celebrating me! That’s right. Me. Lupercus. A grand old love lottery in the name of me. Fertility gods have all the fun stuff.

Also, instead of giving women chocolates or taking them out for a nice dinner at the vomitorium, Roman women instead were smacked with bloody pieces of goat hide (the goat was, of course, sacrificed to yours truly; I tell you, those Romans really knew how to party). This goat-smacking was done purely for medicinal purposes, for these women, properly goat-smacked, would then, courtesy of me, be more fertile during the remainder of the year.

Clearly, my version of Valentine’s Day was far more romantic than yours.